56. Maybe to be soft is to be jagged
On the #slowgirlaesthetic and rough edges.
I have spent a lot of time wishing I preferred slowing down.
I have wished, many times, that I was softer.
Gentler. Quieter.
I love the idea of that version of myself.
In fact, I’ve written about it in this newsletter. I’ve had countless conversations about it in therapy. I’ve listened to many a podcast episode on it. I’ve pinned about 1,000,003 “slow girl aesthetic” pins on Pinterest. I’ve admired my friends who do it so well.
In this dream world of mine, I’d be at the pinnacle of this so-called slow-girl, soft-girl lifestyle.
I love the idea of waking up in the mornings, no phone in hand, and going out to my garden to sit in silence. (But I don’t have a garden, and I can’t even remember to water the singular pot of flowers on my doorstep. In fact, I’m 99% sure they died in last week’s freeze.)
I love the idea of doing reformer pilates and sipping my tea and being slow to anger and never raising my cortisol and refusing to get in a rush. (But I don’t like reformer pilates — I really only like the cute socks — I much prefer espresso, I was raised by a Leo, I enjoy HIIT workouts, and I work best under a tight deadline.)
I love the idea of running my business in a way where I only work 2 days a week, refuse to take meetings on certain days, and never take on last-minute requests. (But I don’t have the privilege of only working 2 days a week, I ENJOY packing my calendar with the clients and work I do, and last-minute requests are just par for the course sometimes.)
See, at the end of the day, being a genuinely soft, slow, calm girl isn’t me. No matter how much I WISH it were, it’s just not.
I like the pressure of deadlines.
I like the noise of a loud workout class.
I like having something to do.
I enjoy having a new task to check off, a new event to go to.
Hell, I like my almost immediate morning espresso shot. (Sometimes I even like an Alani Nu. GASP! The cortisol!)
And until now, I’ve felt like that was a fundamentally unhealthy thing about me.
I’ve felt like it meant my edges were jagged. Splintered.
I’ve spent so long watching the vlogs and listening to the podcasts and reading the listicles from the people who DO have the “slow girl lifestyle” or the “that girl aesthetic” so down pat that I’ve thought something was just wrong with my brain.
I’ve felt uncomfortable saying that I feel much more like myself when I work a lot and balance a lot of projects — sometimes too much/too many, but we’re working on it — and I’ve avoided admitting that, at my core, I fundamentally enjoy it.
I’ve wanted to be the cute girl who goes on vacation to lounge around in a spa all day and write in the alcove outside of a museum, but I typically prefer waking up at the crack of dawn and squeezing as much into my day as I can.
(However, let’s not get it twisted. I deeply enjoy a spa. And a vacation massage. Deeply.)
I’ve loved the thought of living on a calm piece of land somewhere (and do love it — it’s the Texas in me), but I’d still choose to live in the city every.
Single.
Time.
But, guess what? I’m not sure that any of those things — except for maybe the morning energy drinks — are actually fundamentally against the criteria of a slow lifestyle.
In fact, I don’t think a slow lifestyle actually has anything to do with cortisol. Or pilates. Or gardening. Or handmade pottery.
And maybe, my edges ARE jagged. And who cares?
I think that, at its core, a slow lifestyle is one where you intentionally choose not to rush through every second.
(Ina does a good job at this, ofc.)
I think it’s one where you choose to enjoy the time you have with the people you love.
I think it’s one where you are deeply, proudly comfortable being alone and in the quiet with your own thoughts.
I think it’s one where you regularly audit what you’re spending time on.
I think it’s one where you go outside and touch some grass.
I think it’s one where you do absolutely whatever makes you feel good and what you enjoy — HIIT classes OR pilates classes, damnit! — and just take care of yourself in your own way.
And, most importantly, I think it’s one where you choose to decide NOT to let your life rush by, zooming past you like highway signs from the back seat.
That’s the kind of life I want to curate.
I want a life that I remember. That I pour into. That I’m proud of. That I EXPERIENCE.
I want a life that I drive through at a (mostly) normal speed — sometimes a little fast, sometimes a little under the speed limit — and savor.
And while this version of my life may not include mason jars of cucumber water and morning meditations under the sun, it can still be slow.
Enjoyed.
Sipped, bright and early. like a perfectly pulled double shot of espresso.
(Or like the limited-edition flavor of Alani Nu that I’m rationing.)
I want a life where every one of my jagged edges gets to be smoothed down when I want them to be…
…and rough and sharp when I don’t.
📖 reads, listens, etc.
The Devil At His Elbow: Oh boy, y’all. Oh. Freakin.’ BOY. This book — a narrative nonfiction (my favorite genre) that deep dives into the South Carolina dynasty of the infamous Murdaugh family and its subsequent fall from grace — was so. damn. good. I thought I knew all there was to know about all of these people (re: last week’s admission that I love a dark deep dive), and boy was I WRONG. This was a thoroughly engrossing, deeply entertaining read and I was actually so sad when it was over. I listened to this one and really enjoyed it, but I’m tempted to buy the hardcover, too. If you even KINDA like this stuff, you’ll 🫶 it.
I love trying to be a better friend and always eat. UP. friendship content. I devoured this piece from
’s :
Is there any better feeling than re-discovering a song you once really, really loved? That’s how I’ve felt about this one:
🛍️ little recommendations:
I am really trying to hold myself to weekly money dates with myself this year, and this budgeting template really is coming in SO incredibly clutch. I’ve truly used it multiple times at this point, and am so impressed at how much of a mental shift it is to see where my money is going. Why wasn’t I doing this before now?!
This is the best workout top I’ve ever worn, full stop. (And yeah, while I’d love to be a cute lululemon Align Tank girlie, I never feel comfortable enough to actualllllly wear it at the gym.) I ordered 2 more of these at the beginning of the month, and I think they’re so flattering and comfortable.
Your self awareness is goals! I love that you are finally seeing traits as positives and not things to change. I’m working on this.
Does the budget template work on Google Sheets? I clicked the link but it doesn't say in the description. Thanks!