28. Wow, she has a(nother) realization
I would, ideally, like my nervous system to stop feeling like Carmy's in The Bear.
I had a come to Jesus meeting this weekend. (Well, about 17 of them. Maybe more.)
Let me back up: this past weekend, I went to 30A for a business girlies retreat with some of my fellow creative business owners (and now new besties), and, I’ll be honest — I didn’t know what to expect.
I love meeting new people and I love collaboration, so I knew it would be fun… but at the same time, I was having a hard time seeing how I could find any kind of inspiration or excitement around my work.
After all, I’ve felt a lot lately like I can’t catch a breath. I love, love, love my job… but I’ve also spent the last 6 months or so running myself so hard into the ground (laptop in hand) that a lot of the joy I have for the work I get to do has faded a little.
Really, that passion to write (one I’ve had since I was a tiny little kid) was starting to fizzle out, hidden by KPIs and Google Docs and late nights. It was devastating me… when I had time to even consider being sad about it.
And, honestly, I didn’t see a way out.
(Hi, it’s called burnout… and if you’ve read this newsletter for more than, um, 5 minutes, I know you’re like ‘duh, girl.’.)
But this weekend, in community with some incredible business owners that also know how it feels to love something DEEPLY but also struggle with it DEEPLY, I came to a realization that I’ve been letting absolutely everything about my work get in the way of the things I actually value.
It wasn’t until I yapped my way through a lot of conversations (and got an extra kick in the ass by my friend Nicole) that I came to the conclusion that I was doing it all WRONG. Big-time wrong.
And I hate that I'm typing this right now, because I’m self aware enough to know that I’ve been grappling with some version of this realization for a long time. I’ve grappled with it a lot in this newsletter, and I don’t want to sound like a broken record.
But I don’t think I’m alone here.
And, let me actually clarify something… it hasn’t been my work that’s been getting in the way. It hasn’t been the words I’ve been writing, or the people I’ve been working with. It’s been my approach to it.
I’ve been letting absolutely everything about the way I approach my work and my life get in the way of the things I actually value.
I’ve forgotten about the fact that I have something a million people would dream of — the ability to work for myself, on my own terms — and instead, I’ve started to create a life where i’m running myself in the ground.
And it means that the things I value have taken a backseat.
Things like taking the afternoon off to see my friends’ babies.
Things like enjoying walks and sunshine in the middle of the day.
Things like taking some freaking deep breaths.
Things like embracing little moments without having them scheduled in my calendar.
It’s meant that I’ve let words on a screen and money in my bank account impact my literal mental health, sleep hygiene, relationships, you name it.
I’ve forgotten how to play, I’ve ignored signs to slow down, and I’ve… time and time again… put myself and my life second to a job.
I’m cringing as I write this, because what’s the point of that?!
(I almost don’t even want to press “schedule” on this, because, like… it’s kinda embarrassing…. And shouldn’t I have figured this out by now?!)
But, I’m nothing if not honest… so I’m figuring it out. I’m dedicating myself to getting it TOGETHER. To slowing TF down. To finding my passion for my work again, but also to finding time to enjoy my LIFE… because I have a pretty good one.
So, I’m officially entering my Heal-Myself-From-Burnout Era. I put in my 30-day notice for one of my retainer clients, I booked a wheel throwing pottery class for Friday night (!!!), and I’m on a mission to slow down. To remember myself again, away from my computer.
I know this might sound really insane to some of you, but I also think there are a lot of people reading this who probably get me. (Let me guess… you’re an older sister TOO!)
And I’ll be real… I’m not naive enough to think I’m going to figure this out in a week.
However, I am also self-aware enough to know that if i never try to figure it out at all — if I keep saying ‘ooh, I’m so stressed’ — I’m going to accidentally type my way through life instead of enjoying it.
And I refuse to do that.
Stay tuned for my pottery updates. 🎨
To read… Alright, SO, after weeks of just reading a few pages of The Women at a time before falling asleep, I finally tore through the entirety of it on a plane ride yesterday… and am convinced that it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since last night, and highly recommend it.
A quick synopsis: Frankie is a Coronado-raised girl (raised by a wealthy, well-to-do family) who decides to join the army as a nurse during the Vietnam War. You go with her through the red dirt and blood and terror of life in Vietnam while she experiences love, loss, new friendship, growth, and so much more as a combat nurse — and then you come with her as she goes back home and faces PTSD, American disgust with the war, grief, and so much more. It was a powerful, powerful book about the often-forgotten women of the war (who were so regularly told that their pain didn’t matter), and I truly ripped through it at breakneck speed. Get it here.
This book got me out of a little rut I’ve been in since I spent weeks reading a book I DNFed last month, and I am starting The Things We Leave Unfinished by Rebecca Yarros tonight. (Note: being a Libby gworl is the best. Why did I not take advantage of having a library card a long time ago?!)
I hate to tell you this, but the rhode Glazing Milk is worth absolutely every penny. Every single juicy penny.